DOWN MEMORY LANE

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

GRAVE STORY

A man was staggering home from a wonderful party, and decided to take a short cut through the graveyard. He fell into a freshly cut grave. No matter how hard he struggled, he couldn't get out, so he curled up in a corner and went to sleep. A little while later another man coming from the same party, also joyfully tight, took a short cut through the cemetery, and fell into the same grave. However hard  he struggled he was unable to climb or jump out, but his struggles woke the first man, who rose up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "You can't jump out of here."   But he did!

 

CLERGYMAN’S HORSE

A man bought a horse from a clergyman, but was disappointed. Once he was mounted, nothing he did could persuade the horse to move. He climbed off and rang the clergyman and explained the problem.

"Oh, I am sorry," said the clergyman, "it was foolish of me, but I trained the horse myself in a religious sort of way, and I forgot to tell you. Whenever you want the horse to move forward, say "PRAISE THE LORD!" and whenever you want it to stop, say "ALLELUIA!"."  The man went out and mounted the horse, and said “PRAISE THE LORD!" and sure enough the horse leapt forward. He decided he had better get used to this, so he directed the horse out onto the road. Not long after he left his gate, a red sports car drove past like fury, horn blaring, and the horse bolted and leaped the fence and started off across the fields. "WHOA!" shouted the man, "STOP!  WHOA!" but the horse bolted on. The man struggled desperately to remember the strange religious command, and eventually it came to him. "ALLELUIA!" he shouted, and the horse skidded to a halt, splay-legged at the edge of a precipice. The man gazed over the horses neck at the drop below and in thankful relief shouted "PRAISE THE LORD!!"

 

TRAINER’S TIP

A man brought a mule from a farmer, but the mule wouldn't move or obey his commands, so he called the farmer who came over and picked up a piece of 4x2 and gave the mule a whack over the ear. "Hey, said the new owner, I don't think punishment like that is warranted!" "Punishment?" said the farmer, "that isn't punishment, its just that before you tell him what to do, you have to get his attention.

 

MARITAL ADVICE

A newly married couple were on the mule cart going up the mountain to their new home. A stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied. "That's once", said the man. Another stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied again. "That's twice," said the man. Another stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied yet again. "That's three," said the man, and he climbed off the cart and shot the mule dead.

"Hey!" said the wife, you can't shoot a valuable mule just because he shies at a falling rock. How are we going to manage if you……."  The man held up his hand, and said, "That's once!"

 

COMMUNICATION

A young man was looking for work, and went door to door around the city. Eventually he came to a window that had a sign asking for a salesman, and went in and asked the Manager for the job. The Manager said, "Look, salesmen have to have some particular qualities, and in all kindness, you don't have them." The young man said, "Bbbbbbuttttt III'v ggggot I've hhave tto  have a jjjobbe a jjjobb!"

"Oh well, said the manager, we'll give it a try. Here are ten Bibles, go out into some depraved suToorakike Toorak and see what you can do."  Next morning the young man was standing there with the money in his hand, "Mmmmore Bibbbibbles pppplease!" This went  on day after day, and the number of Bibles increased, until he was the best bible salesman in Australia.

When the Annual Conference came the manager said to the young man that he should speak and tell people how he managed to sell so many Bibles. He didn't stutter that time. "No!" he said. “Well," said the manager, "just pretend it's a sale, tell them about it, and they will get the picture. So the young man mounted the podium and grasped the lectern. "WWWell I gggo up I gggo up the pppath to the ddoor and and rrrr...knock and when ssomeone cccomes I say, "WWould lyou llike to bbuy a BBBBibble a BBible, or wwwould you like me to rrrrrreadit to you!"

[and before any stutterers email to complain, I’m an ex stutterer, and I sometimes do it again for f-u-n]

 

EDMUND

There was a doting couple who had their only child, Edmund. They were delighted in him as he began to grow, but one thing concerned them greatly. Edmund didn't talk. At his first birthday it wasn't particularly noticed, at his second it was worrying and by his third a matter for the paediatrician, but Edmund said nothing. When he turned four his parents were quietly desperate, but still not a word. They rejoiced when he turned five because he was to go to kindergarten and they were sure that the company of other children would encourage him to speak. But still nothing. So through the kindergarten they sent him to a speech therapist, who was  a lovely girl who worked patiently with Edmund, but still to no avail. Not a word! Then the young speech therapist went on holiday and the locum was an old dragon. She had a session with Edmund and when there was no result, picked him up and shook him and shouted, "Why won't you speak, blast you!" "Well," said Edmund, "I haven't had anything to complain about before!"

 

A BISHOP IS ONLY A BISHOP

Bishop William Lawrence of Massachusetts [1893-1927] happened upon a driver swearing profusely as he struggled to pry a flat tyre from the rim. "Have you tried prayer, my good man?" the Bishop enquired - upon which the poor fellow in desperation fell on his knees, clasped his hands, and raised his eyes heavenward. He then picked up the tyre lever, inserted the tyre lever, and flicked the tyre off the rim. "Well I'll be Goddamned!" exclaimed the Bishop.

 

A PRIEST AND A MINISTER WENT TO

A Baptist Minister decided he should broaden his view of life, so he went to the races. He saw there a Roman Catholic Priest  and he and decided to watch him for some tips. He noticed that before every race the Priest went down to the Yard and walked around the horses examining them critically, and then walked up to one of them and made the sign of the cross over it. This horse invariably won. The minister watched this wonderful process four times, and decided he was on a winner. Before the fifth race he watched the priest closely, saw him walk up to horse number 9 and make a small sign of the cross over it. The minister rushed off to a bookie and put everything he had in number nine. He watched it leap away from the barrierand shoot into the curve, where number nine dropped dead. The Minister sought out the Priest and tearfully told him his predicament. "You useless Protestant," exploded the Priest, "can't you tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!"

 

SPIRITUAL OFFERING

Beautiful new Catholic Church was opened, with all mod cons. A man came in to pray, and after he had prayed a while he felt moved to make an offering, and he searched around for a poor box or offering box but couldn't see one. He searched more diligently and at last found a brass flap on the back wall so he took out a $10 note and opened the flap. There was a great sucking of air and the built in automatic vacuum cleaner snatched the note out of his hand!

 

SOUNDS NORMAL

The Master pointed his finger heavenward, and said to the disciple, "Look yonder at the glory of the heavens and the vision of what is to be!". The disciple thought to himself, "The Masters finger nail needs cutting."

DEAR CHILD

A Salesman rang a house and the phone was instantly answered by a quietly-spoken small boy. The salesman said, "Could I speak to you Mummy, please?" "No," said the boy, "she's busy." "Well then," said the salesman, " Can I speak to your Daddy?" "No," said the boy, "he's busy." The salesman said, "Who else is in the house?" "Some neighbours" said the boy. "Perhaps I could speak to one of them," said the salesman." "No," said the boy, "they're busy."  In desperation the salesman said, "Is there anybody else there at all?" "Yes," said the boy, "there are four policemen." Good," said the hungry salesman, I will talk with one of them. "No," said the boy, "they're busy." "This is unbelievable,” said the salesman, " what are they all busy doing?" The little boy whispered back, "Looking for me!"

 

BLACK AND WHITE

Two little American boys, one white the other black, had an argument as to whether God was black or white. So they decided to settle it by going into a big church nearby and asking God. They crept up to the High Alter and the little white boy asked God whether he was black or white. There was a priest cleaning behind the Alter, and not knowing what else to say he quoted the Bible in a deep, carrying whisper, "I AM WHO I AM". The little boys fled in terror. As they ran the little black boy said to his friend,  "That sure proves God is white. If he was black he would have said, AH IS WHO AH IS!"

 

DIVINE

The disciple came to his Master to ask about the nature of God. The Master said that he first came to understand the nuture of God through contemplating the Universe.

"And what conclusion did you draw?" asked the disciple.

The Master said, "I came to realize that the whole Universe is inside me."

The disciple said, "Oh, Master, are you an atheist, then?" The Master replied, "I was, and then I came to understand that I am God."

 

INSOMNIA

We are starting a company to manufacture little plastic pulpits. If you can't go to sleep, you press a button and a plastic clergyman rises inside it. Instant sleep is guaranteed.

 

SHORT BACK

A Barber was cutting hair busily when a man walked in and said, "How long?" The barber looked at his waiting customers and said, "An hour at least." "I'll try to get back," the man said. But he didn't reappear that day. However, next day he was there asking the same question, and didn't come back. This went on for over two weeks and it got under the barber's skin. Next time it happened, he told his assistant to nip out and follow the man, to see what he was up to. After half an hour the assistant wandered in and said, "It's really strange, Mr Harris, he goes straight around to your place, and your wife lets him in!"

 

ULTIMATE GOLF

There was a game of golf in heaven. The first player teeing off was a magnificent bearded old man with flowing Old Testament robes who slammed the ball with enormous vigour into the water. He promptly strode down, held his club up over the water, and as soon as it divided, walked across the floor of the lake, and hammered the ball onto the green.

He was followed by a younger man who hit off very smoothly, but his ball also went to the water, so he walked across the water to where the ball had remained floating on the surface, and hit his ball onto the green.

The third player was a much older man but he drove off with great power. Nevertheless the ball went into the water. However, after a moment a trout rose to the surface with the ball in its mouth, a great eagle appeared, caught the trout, and flew around until it was over the green, where the trout dropped the ball, which landed dead on top of the flag, and ran down the pole in a circular motion precisely defining the value of Pi to 3,000 decimal places straight into the hole. The younger bloke tapped his club on the ground and said, "Oh, come on, Dad, let's stop messing around and play serious golf."

 

 

A group of mice rang the bell on the Pearly Gates one day and when St. Peter popped out they asked for admission. St. Peter wasn't very keen but they pleaded and said that they had all been church-mice and very good and wouldn't cause any trouble. St. Peter was in a cheerful mood so he let them in. After a while St. Peter noticed one of them and asked how they were getting on. "Oh, terrific, " said the mouse, " but a little cold, you know. All this walking about on gold and marble chills our feet. Would it be alright if we had little platforms on wheels, you know, mini-skateboards?" This tickled St. Peter and he said it would be OK.  Some time a later a cat asked for admission to heaven. St. Peter demurred but the cat said it had been a Vicarage cat and given comfort to many distressed souls, so St. Peter let it in. About a month later St. Peter crossed the cat's path and asked how it was enjoying heaven.  "Truly wonderful, purred the cat. "The clouds are so soft to sleep on and everyone strokes me and makes me feel at home, and then there is the bonus." "What bonus?" queried St. Peter. "Why," said the Cat, "The meals on wheels!"

 

LITTLE JOE

Big Joe and Little Joe worked in a timber mill. Little Joe was always working through tea breaks, which big Joe hated. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe stretched out his arm to point to the clock, and the saw cut off his finger.

Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's finger in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where a surgeon sewed the finger back on.

In a few days Big Joe was back at work, but Little Joe kept working through the tea breaks. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe forgot about the danger, stretched out his arm to point to the clock, and the saw cut off his arm at the shoulder.

 Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's arm in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where a surgeon sewed the arm back on.

In a few weeks Big Joe was back at work, but Little Joe kept working through the tea breaks. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe remembered the danger, didn't stretch out his arm to point to the clock, but pointed with his head and the saw cut off his head.

Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's head in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where the nurses rushed the head and body into theatre. After a while the surgeon emerged, and Little Joe knew from his face that there was bad news. "How is he?" demanded Little Joe. "I'm afraid he's dead," said the surgeon.. "But how could this be," cried Little Joe. "You're a great surgeon, and twice before I have brought Big Joe and parts of him, and you have sewn them back together." "Yes," said the surgeon," but he was dead on arrival. I'm afraid, Little Joe, that you killed him." "Killed him!" moaned Little Joe, "How could that be?" Why," said the surgon, "don't you know to never put anybody's head in a plastic bag!"

 

HOW TO MAKE MONEY

A group of businessmen wanted a famous and wealthy business leader to talk to them and reveal has secret of how he made so much money. The Businessman protested but they insisted so he agreed for a Fee of $10,000. When the time arrived the Chairman introduced the businessman and invited him to speak. The businessman stood up and asked the Chairman for the Fee. The Chairman was flustered and embarrassed but hunted in his pockets and found the cheque and gave it to the businessman, who promptly walked off the podium. The astonished Chairman called after him, "What about your speech? Come back and give your speech!" The businessman turned to him and said, I’ve already given it." and added to the Chairman's blank face. "You wanted to me to demonstrate how I earned money. Well, I've just done it. I asked, and you gave it to me. Good day to you all." And out he walked.

 

MONASTERY STORY

There was once a monastery at the edge of the forest. As happens some times, there had been no new vocations for many years, and the number of monks was shrinking as the older monks died and there were no novices to replace them.

The Abbot used to go into the forest to pray, and he met there a hermit who lived in the centre of the forest, and they used to pray together and talk of the things of God, and the Abbot shared his concern for the shrinking monastery.

The numberandafterrealizedalneer anafterealizeddallne day aftrealizedddal the Abbot realized that t here were only five of them left, and he went in to the forest to pray, and meeting the hermit, he said how distressed he was,

The hermit said, "I am a hermit. I know nothing of communities, so I can't give you any advice. But I have a message for you from God. One of the monks will be a great saint who will renew the Church!"

The Abbot went back and called the monks together and told them the message. They had known each other for a very long time,  and they looked at one another and wondered who the great saint might be! But they each began to treat all the others with greater love and respect, because they didn't know who the saint might be. And after a while, one by one, they each said to themselves, "It might be me!" and began to treat themselves with greater love and respect.

Now after a long time the Abbot was again praying in the forest, when he met the hermit. And the hermit said, "I hope you will pardon a little worldly curiosity, but who is the saint?"

"I don't know," said the Abbot.

"You don't know!" said the hermit. "Have you been looking? Have you been asking the right questions? Have you been directing the life of the monastery towards this vital task?"

"Well," said the Abbot, I've been a bit busy. You see, there are forty of us, now."

 

 

GORILLA

A young man out of work was told by a friend that the zoo was looking for someone to do some work so he went out and found that the gorilla had died and they wanted someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and stay in the cage all day because they couldn't get another replacement right away. The young man wouldn't take the job, but they told him it was $1000 a day so he changed his mind. The first day he huddled in the corner of the cage and didn't move, but all the same he wasn't detected and each day became more adventurous until he was making gorilla noises all the timer and climbing the trees in the cage. A large crowd would gather every  day to watch, and this spurred him on. There was a rope hanging from a tree and he started doing Tarzan like swings from one side of the cage to the other, which the crowd greatly appreciated. One day he swung too far and went clean over the top of his cage and fell into the lions den only yards from the lion. This was it, he thought, and stood up and shouted, "Help, I'm not a gorilla, I'm a person, a human, Help!" and the lion said to him, "Shut up, you fool, or we'll both be sacked!"

 

ROBIN HOOD

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Long John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He demanded of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly.

And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised; they buried Robin Hood on top of his wardrobe.

 

VICARAGE BURGLARY

A burglar was creeping across a room in the Vicarage in the religious darkness when a voice right in his ear said, "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar spun round and shone his torch at the voice. He found himself gazing at a parrot in a cage. He sneered, "So you're Jesus, are you?"  "No," said the parrot, I'm Joseph. Jesus is the Doberman behind you!"

 

JONATHAN SWIFT

Swift was sheltering under a tree in a terrible storm, and was joined by a rough looking man and a pregnant woman. It transpired that they were en route to the local town to be married. As the woman seemed likely to give birth at any moment, Swift offered to marry them, and they readily agreed. After the storm the pair were about to go on their way when the illiterate man remembered that he should have a marriage certificate. Swift obliged by writing:

Under an oak, in stormy weather,

I joined this rogue and whore together:

And none but he who rules the thunder,

Can put this rogue and whore asunder.

 

HOOP STORY

A middle aged businessman was feeling out-of-sorts and went to the doctor, who examined him and said, "All that's wrong with you is that you need exercise. How far do you live from your office?"  The businessman said, "About four kilometres." Alright," said the doctor, “No more driving. Go down to the toy shop and buy an old-fashioned hoop.  Run it to work in the morning and back home at night, and you will be right as rain in no time."  The businessman spluttered, "I'll be terribly embarrassed if I do that!" "You choose," said the doctor, it's that or a health camp."  So the man bought a hoop and took it to the office and back every day. He was not able to take it up to his office in the lift, so he asked the garage attendant if he could leave it outside his cubicle at the door. After about a month he was really feeling accustomed to the hoop and very much better, but after work one day he came down to the garage and found that his hoop had been stolen. The attendant was sympathetic. "There were some kids running about here, I guess one of them pinched it. Never mind, you can buy another one tomorrow." "That's all very well," the man said, "but how am I going to get home tonight!"

 

TEN LITTLE WORDS

If it is to be, it is up to me.

 

MOTHER THERESA

Mother Theresa hasn't always been a 'living saint'. Until she was fifty she taught rich schoolgirls, and only began to care for the dying when she was stuck with a dying man no hospital would admit.

 

NZ STUMP

A girl from New Zealand went up to the counter of the Australian Post office and said, "I’d like a  stump, please. The smart Alec behind the counter said, We don't sell stumps. This is a Post Office.” So the girl said, "Well, give me a short post, then."

 

MARRIAGE.

 A telegram from the Bishop was received at a wedding breakfast too late to be read, so the new wife put it in her handbag. That night in the hotel while her husband was getting ready for bed, she remembered and opened the telegram. The Bishop had wanted to send a Bible reference, 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear, but he had saved money by just using the verse number. Unfortunately the tellegraphist left out the 1, and sent John 4.18. The new wife took the Giddeon Bible out of the hotel room draw and looked it up. It read. "He whom you now have is not your husband."

 

BISHOP. An ancient Bishop was attending a service at which a young curate was preaching, and he was much taken by the curate's opening words, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife .... I refer, of course, to my dear mother!"

 A little later the Bishop was to preach at the annual service of the Mother Union, and he recalled the opening few words, and launched in, “I'm a  married man, but the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman!" He paused and desperately searched his aged memory .  "It was ... ah ..ahm ..I cant remember who it was, .......big breasts, though.”

 

Q: What's  black and charred and hanging from the ceiling?

A: An Irish electrician.

Q: What was his name?

A: Chan'del'ier.

 

Of course I back the preferred two party system. I like to have one about 7.30 p.m. and another just before midnight.

 

Buy “Woof “Dog Food, the one dogs ask for by name.

 

Our Hair Restorer doesn't come with a guarantee, it comes with a comb.

 

My father and mother were first cousins, which explains why I am so alike.

 

Lady in bingo queue when funeral goes by, kneels and crosses herself. Person next to her says to her, "You're very religious, aren't you!"  "And why wouldn't I be," she replies, "He was a good husband to me!"

 

Man rings up the Priest and asks whether there are golf courses in heaven.

"I don't know," says the Priest, "I will have to find out."

The Priest calls back in a few days. "I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that there are fantastic golf courses in heaven which are far superior to anything you can find here. The bad news is that you tee off next Monday morning at 10.47.

 

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a referred journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

 

Did you hear about the atheistic insomniac dyslexic who lay awake all night worrying about DOG?

 

Q: What does DNA stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association

 

Q: What do George the Sixth and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: Their second name.

 

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GROCHO MARX

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

 

HAVE A NICE DAY, UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANNED OTHERWISE

 

DIET = Die with a terminal T

            =The rhythm method of girth control.

 

IF YOUR NOSE RUNS

AND YOUR FEET SMELL

YOU ARE

UPSIDE DOWN